Earlier this evening, my sister and I were on our way to the mall after a somewhat appetizing dinner. As usual, I was ranting about the concerns that cluttered my mind. My sister interrupted me and firmly said, “You can only say this to either me or mom. Nobody else. Do you understand?” I vigorously shook my head even though she was no longer looking at me. “I don’t want you to come to me one day and say, ‘I fucked up.'”
Three words. I. fucked. up. How would I ever know that they would become my worst nightmare? The unconscious fear that lived off every whispered secret and snark remark. Or the gossip sessions in the hallways. Oh how I feared the day when my friend would turn around and no longer would I be talking behind her back.
And thus, here I am. This blog is my third attempt at an on-line journal. I have an entire shelf of empty or half written in journals. I’ve deleted countless diary apps off my phone. The attempts have been made but success has yet to be reached.
I do not wish to set a goal, a resolution, or a promise. Merely another attempt.
I shall properly introduce myself before I begin to either procrastinate on blog entries or write a whole slew in one sitting.
I am anonymous and 17 years old. I will attend college in the upcoming autumn which terrifies me. I do not believe I fit the typical mold of a teenage girl. My cookie cutter is now a clump of molted metal after greeting the fiery pits of hell during my childhood. I think loudly but speak ever so rarely. I have large dreams but even grander fears. I grow taller because of worrying so often (similar to Pinocchio).
My blog’s address, ‘arosewithin’, is from the novel The Fifth Business by Robertson Davies. The line was simple yet lovely.
“She lived by a light that arose from within.”
‘I Promise Myself’ is from a work entitled The Optimist Creed which is essentially a handful of guidelines on how to live a supposedly better life. (As you can see, the use of the word ‘supposedly’ already suggests that I am not following the guidelines and have yet to change my hardened ways as a pessimist)
And the title of my very first entry is the last promise of the series. It reads, “I promise to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, as long as I am true to the best that is in me.”
The notion that the world is rooting for me seems nonsensical and implausible. For the longest time, I believed my existence would amount to absolutely nothing. I would leave no mark on the face of this planet from the day I was born to the day I die.
But now, I have hope.
I have six billion people on my side. Who could possibly stand a chance against me and my army?