Selfish or Selfless

I used to think suicide was a selfish act. I could not comprehend how someone could so easily end his life without any consideration for his loved ones. Now I also consider suicide as a selfless act. He who ends his life is choosing death over living because he believes that a world without him is a better one. 

I wanted to bring up this idea about a selfish versus selfless act because of a dark period in my childhood. I don’t remember much but I do remember coming home to find a quiet house. I would peer into my mother’s bedroom only to see darkness. She would be sleeping when I came home and still sleeping when I went to sleep. As a child, I didn’t understand why she slept so much or never came out of her darkened room. I assumed she was lazy and simply wanted to lounge around all day. It never crossed my mind that she was depressed. Not until I was in middle school did I realize that my mother suffered from depression. 

And when I realized, I could not stop crying. I cried because I felt stupid for not noticing sooner. I cried because I used to complain about how she never played with me. I cried because I blamed her for her laziness. I cried because she didn’t tuck me in anymore. I cried because I missed my mom.

She almost took her life. Almost. 

What she did was neither selfish or selfless. It was heartbreaking. 

I almost lost my mother without even realizing it. 

I thank God every day for her failure. 

And I pray she never succeeds. 

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