Hesitant

My worst nightmare is a yes-or-no question. I use much more than my brain and heart for decision making. I pull in all resources ranging from outside opinions to scholarly journals. Even if the question is as simple as “do you want to grab dinner tonight?” There is no simple question for me. Every question is a complex, arduous struggle. I am indecisive and this characteristic may be the bane of my existence.

“Do you want to hang out?”

“Are you looking for something?”

“Do you think he’s cute?”

“Do you like him?”

“Is our homework due today?”

“Will you marry me?”

I am pummeled by questions which lead to over-thinking, stress, and worries. A day will soon come when the overwhelming burdens that I carry on my shoulders will topple and fall.

Even then, I will be hesitant.

“Are you okay?”

Instead of my typical ‘yeah’, I want to shout no until my voice vanishes in the reverberating echo. I wish to burst into tears, shake my head, and pound my chest while screaming, “I am sure. I am confident. My answer is no.”

Such emotion is looked down by some but for me, it’s an accumulation of emotions that I rarely express. The hint of a smile on my typically stoic face. A slight murmur out of my clamped shut mouth.

No, I am not okay. 

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