I love sticky notes. If I were ever stranded on a deserted island, then I would sure as hell remember to pack a lifetime’s worth of sticky notes because they are my life source.
Just now I used them to plan out the next six semesters of my undergraduate years. I managed to fit the course requirements of two majors and two minors into the remaining time that I have left at UNC. Seeing so many classes laid out in front of me fills me with excitement, instead of the usual dread. I’m thrilled for the topics that I personally get to choose. I’ll be able to learn about the sociological perspective of poverty in the United States or the realities of Environmental Justice. No longer am I limited to boring introductory classes that fail to capture my attention at 8 o’clock in the morning.
Of course, there are two people in this world who would not be impressed with my stellar organizational skills.
That would be my mother and my father.
They would scoff at my dream of majoring in Sociology and English while minoring in Social & Economic Justice and Women’s Studies. They would wearily shake their heads as I explained how I want to obtain a M.S.W. and become certified to teach English. They would fold their arms in disapproval as I rambled on about earning a doctorate in Social Work. They would be disappointed.
Because I’m aiming for a “low level” job as a social worker and teacher. I’m not reaching high enough.
I wish I had the heart to tell them that to me, I feel like I’m reaching for stars that are light years away with the dreams that I hold onto right now.
I wish I could let them know that I considered becoming a lawyer or politician, but I simply do not have the desire to become one. Nor the greed.
I’m not accusing lawyers or politicians of being greedy (although they could certainly fall into that category…). It’s just that I do not possess the ambition to pursue a career in which I have to compete against others in order to “win.” Lawyers become successful when their clients aren’t sent away to jail. Politicians become successful when they are elected to office after beating the other candidates.
I’m not looking for success. I don’t care for winning.
The only victory that I seek is the simple truth that I will live my life doing what I love.
It’s strange to think of my future self as such a courageous individual when my current self is so fearful. However, I know one thing for certain. I am not afraid of being in debt, homeless, unemployed, or depressed. I am brave in the face of such possibilities because I have a secret superpower.
Deep inside me, there exists an infinite reservoir of a highly difficult to obtain object. It is easily lost, but once found emits a brilliant shine. It is not for the faint of heart, but for those who are scarred, wounded, and healing.
In me, I have hope. Childlike and foolishly optimistic hope that I can be happy again.